So far, this blog has mainly been about break ups. The saddest thing about that though, would have to be the repetitive break up/getting back together process with the same guy. As I’m writing this, the same thing may or may not be going on. Pick a better topic. I have so much to say, yet the only thing I come on here to write about is about a boy who breaks my heart. If you would like, lets have a fresh start at this.
letting go is harder than you think.
after each break up, you cry a little more or maybe a little less.
by the time it’s the final straw, you have no more tears left to cry.
you’ve accepted the defeat.
cheers to the process of letting go.
The last time I came on here I wrote about the hurt after a break up. To say the least, it’s been one heck of a roller coaster. It’s been a while, but I’m back.
I have never experienced such a heavy feeling in my heart for someone I devoted myself to. One minute they’re there, the next they’re not. I don’t think I ever realized how strange that is. I am not an expert at relationships, before him I had only ever been in one other one. You could say that guy and our relationship is a totally different story. For certain purposes, we can call him “Justin.” Justin and I were friends. I liked him, he didn’t like me. High school rolls around, we become best friends. He begins to have feelings for me, I don’t feel them in return. He gets a girlfriend, I realize some feelings were there. He breaks up with her, we date. I can’t really complain about him. He was never ugly with me and he genuinely appreciated me. I on the other hand, was a total jerk to Justin. I ended up breaking up with him within six months of being together, but in actuality I wanted out within the first three months; due to this, I became very depressed and unhappy. I lost about a good ten pounds. I became thin that’s all I really know. I don’t exactly know how many pounds I actually lost. During this time I would suffer a lot with anxiety and anxiety attacks. I just was not happy with him or life. Once I broke up with him, a weight was off my shoulders and I was finally able to breathe. I was genuinely happy with the direction my life was heading. I did not cry once. Rewind back towards the end of the relationship with Justin, I was able to actually experience who God really is and the wonders he could do. Through some of the relationship with Justin there this certain guy who was just so captivating and he caught my attention; however, this guy had already caught my attention before I had gotten into a relationship. He and I would text (I would initiate conversation). Not once did I ever have any intention on cheating on my boyfriend, “Justin,” at the time. Just to clarify, I never did cheat on him but I did develop feelings for someone else, “him.” I don’t know what I could possibly call him, but he sort of reminded me of James Dean a little bit. It’s funny to think about cause there’s not really any similarities between them physically, but “he” is very charismatic. He has a certain charm to him. He had these nice muscles and cool body, but whatever ya know. Anyways, I told him I was interested in him about a week or two after I had gotten out of the relationship with Justin. It may seem bad, but you also have to realize I was done with the relationship from the start sort of. Besides that though, I told him that I basically liked him April 20th of 2017. Who would have known this would be the day that a whole relationship with him would have started. If you’re still reading this, thanks for sticking around. Summer rolls around and I am an awkward turtle. That is basically how the whole entire summer went, he kissed me for the first time in the summer, which was cool. Continuing, it went sort of like this all the way up until maybe October but mainly September, I was a scared, anxious, awkward mess. In September we had ended things, keep in mind we had always had an on and off talking relationship but the “end” would usually only last a few minutes or hours except for this time in September. In September when he ended things, it was the longest we had ever stayed apart and that’s because it also wasn’t very long. My friend has a birthday party, he shows up. I don’t know why but we were already texting before that, but. MORAL OF HALF OF THE STORY IS THE NEXT DAY HE MET MY PARENTS AND HE TOOK ME OUT ON MY VERY FIRST DATE. Some stuff had went down, so I was shaking in my seat as we drove to meet my parents. In the end, that turned out good. The movie was scary. We watched “It.” I knew I liked this guy. From that point on we started going on more dates and November 3rd rolls around and I ask when he is going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I don’t know how that goes but he would say something about me kinda just “pressuring” him. I don’t even know if that is the right word or not or what he would say, but you get the point. I am not sure when the relationship really started to get tough. December. My relationship with him had never been perfect, ever. We would constantly fight and we had a few times where we had broken up for a few hour(s). Like I was saying, the relationship was sort of a weight on both of us. Fast forward to today, February 21st of 2018, he finally just could not do it anymore. If you, “him,” ever somehow read this or if I ever end up showing you: hey. I’m sorry if I’m skipping any important parts, but here I am a few hours after the break up writing this. I wanted and still want to be with him. It sucks that I know all these things about him and I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with it all now. I have never felt this strong about someone before. It sort of scares me if I’m honest. I had an extremely bad anxiety attack, something I had not had since the summer. I looked like a mad person sitting in my car in the parking lot near my school crying and unable to breathe. I hate him because I don’t hate him. I wish I could, but I can’t. In a heartbeat, I would probably take him back which I hate myself for. Things get tough, and people get tired, but I think if you find someone you love, it should be worth it. Sadly for me, that’s not how it’s going to work out. I wish he would show up at my house and tell me he made a mistake, but that is not going to happen. Sitting next to my phone and keeping myself from texting him is one of the hardest things I have to do. Now I’m left with the heavy heart and feelings left for him that won’t just go away. From this point, I don’t know what my next move is. Right now all I feel is hurt and like a piece of me is taken. I’m angry with him for taking away a real chance he never gave us. Now here I am at 8:08 p.m on a Wednesday night not knowing what to do next. How am I supposed to let him go, if I never even wanted to to begin with? Now I’m left feelings the effects of the break up I never wanted. That is what sucks the most. This is only the first few hours, maybe by next week or month I will begin to start a new chapter. Who knows. Life, and change, can sweep you off your feet. I wrote about that just yesterday actually. Crazy to think I would be needing that today.
“you won’t make it on your own.”
For a very long time I knew that I did not want to leave my hometown or my parents when it came down to me leaving for college. Now, this was very far away as I was only in middle school when I made this decision. I have anxiety. This alone could be a whole other blog post on its own, but because of my anxiety, I allowed it to influence my decision and trick me into thinking this was what I wanted. Out of all the things I’m anxious about, one of the hardest things for me to cope with is to be left alone. To break this down for you, I have separational anxiety. This is what kept me from wanting to go out and experience the world I was so unknown to.
Fast forward a few years and I’m a senior. The anxiety that I’ve dealt with was not the only thing that changed but my decision on wanting to leave my hometown, the valley, has also changed. To start off, I’ve found a way to cope with the constant worry going on in my head.. to an extent. The reasoning as to why I’m ready to go out and fend for myself, I’m not sure. Whether it’s because I’ve actually just gained some courage to just put myself out there, or because I’m absolutely losing it. Either or, it’s a good thing. I might be absolutely mad to think I’ll be able to afford my college tuition on my own but I know there’s no way my parents will help me out if I decide to just wake up on the first day of summer, pack my bags, and hit the road.
As much as I would like to be like Shawn Mendes and say (sing), “There’s nothin’ holding me back,” that’s a lie. I unfortunately have a lot of things holding me back. From this point, I just have to see where life takes me in these next four months. I’ll keep ya updated.